Why is my Partner Never in the Mood?

Hey there, Kings and Queens!

Recently I was asked by a close friend, whom we have often shared the details of our relationships, a question about the issue of long-term relationships.

Maybe you’ve been there.

He was perplexed how many relationships can be a sexual inferno in the beginning:

You can’t keep your hands off of each other.

You run back to the bedroom every moment you can. Or maybe you can’t even wait for the bedroom.

Just the sight of them makes you weak.

But then after a while, you get into a routine, and it seems like the things that once drove you wild about your partner may not have the same flare they once held.

 

And you or your partner begin uttering the phrase “Honey, I’m not in the mood tonight.”

Every night.

What happened?!

You still love them, and they still love you! THAT has never changed,but the sexual magnetism has somehow slipped…

The good news is there are a couple of different ways to approach this.

Today, I’m going to discuss a few wildly different methods to help spark that passion in your relationship,

And get your FIRE back!

1. Change the Context

Dr. Emily Nagoski argues that everybody has both an accelerator, and a brake, inside their brains. These dual-control model pretty much runs the show when it comes to your desire for sex. It is simply a matter of turning On the ONs, and turning Off the OFFs. And it IS simple… And it also ISN’T so simple. Each what turns On each persons ONs and Off their OFFs is going to be different based on their life experience, their own biochemistry, and many more factors that can all be summed up into one word: context.

Each person has one or more ideal contexts that will get them in the mood. Likewise, they will also have things like the kids screaming, or an asshole boss, that will create a context that is less optimal for sexy times. The secret, is figuring out what context you are cor your partner are currently in, what context is ideal for romance, then work to create that context.

2. Lack of Polarity

Another approach is based on David Deida and his work concerning the spiritual side of sexual attractioin. He argues that all sexual attraction is based on the polarity between the masculine and feminine energies between you and your partner.There are differing levels of masculine and feminine energy within all of us, and it is not necessarily biosex or orientation exclusive. You can be a biosex male with a lot of masculine energy, a lot of feminine enrgy, a bit of both, or not much of either. Likewise, it does not matter your sexual orientation. You could be a female that enjoys the company of a male, or another female, or both, all, or none. And again, your levels of masculine and/or feminine energy can be a wide range. That does not matter.

What DOES matter, according to Deida, is that there is a polarity between the masculine and feminine of you and your partner. The masculine being everything that is stalwart and stable, never-changing; and the feminine being everything that is allowed to move, and change, and flow. It is the arc that the energy must travel between you to your partner that creates sexual charge, just as a battery only creates a charge with a positive and negative pole, or the earth has a north and south magnetic pole.

If you find your sexual magnetism lacking, reflect for a moment on how perhaps you and your partner once held that polar magnetism, but over time have allowed yourselves to meld, becoming more companionate, and lost that charge. This is great for long-term partnerships, but not always the best for sexual attraction. If you find that this is the case for you, begin to reflect on what in the beginning made you so lustful for your partner, and find ways you can begin to recreate a similar sense of magnetism. Reconnect with your masculinity or femininity in whatever way is conducive to your sexual relationship.

These two approaches vary widely in their understanding and what ground they come from. Nagoski is coming from a psychology and neurology research background, and Deida is speaking on a more energetic and spiritual level.

And while they come from different backgrounds, the advice is more or less the same: reflect on what works, and create that situation for you and your partner.

Neither approach is better than the other, and they both work.

The question is, which one will work best for you?

 

If you liked this post and think someone you know could benefit from it, go ahead and share on social media. And if you have a topic or question you want answered, leave it down in the comments below.

 

Much Love,

King

Advertisements

Who is this “King” Anyway? (Part 2)

Hello, Kings and Queens!

On Thursday I posted Part 1 of my personal history, about my formative years that have begun to lead me down my current path. Today we are continuing that saga, talking about the next hurdles I had to overcome in my development before I decided, “Hey, I want to teach SEX for a living.”

Late College Years (AKA: You’re an Asshole)

Understand that before I go any further, there is some overlap in the timeline from the last section into this one. For about a 1-2 years into this phase, I was trying to change and find a lasting approach to finding a partner, but I was still approaching it from the pickup artist mentality. I don’t truly step out of that phase entirely until the end of the Asshole Years here.

Toward the end of my freshman year of college, I had a girlfriend with whom I had my first experience with Intercourse. We had our time together, and then we ended.

I was upset.

Then I moved on.

And as I moved on, and began dating again, I noticed that some of the other girls I was dating had some similar trends.

While I was entirely FASCINATED with learning all I could about sex (even if only to try to be the ego-fueled “rockstar lover”), the people that I was seeing had very conflicting views, or there were things that I was taught or learned that they had never heard before.

And I began to notice a gap.

Both between what I knew and they didn’t, but also between what we both should have known, but didn’t.

This gap didn’t make sense to me.

So I set out to help educate the girls I was with.

But keep in mind, I was still using a “Pickup Artist” mindset, which only meant trying to manipulate external behaviors to get a surface result.

Now not only was I manipulating to get someone into bed, but now I was manipulating them once there. To what I wanted.

If you think this wreaked havoc for more than one relationship, you’d be right.

This is why I call this point in my life the Asshole Years.

The Loneliest Christmas Ever (It gets better, I Promise)

It all came to a head when one particularly tumultuous relationship ended a week before Christmas, two years ago.

I was shattered.

Then, on Christmas Eve, I had a breakthrough.

I will probably cover it in more detail at a future date, but it was this Christmas that I realized I needed to change me.

Not in a self-judgmental way, but with compassion.

And I realized that I had to treat all of my future significant others with that same compassion.

The “Secret” to finding the girl of your dreams isn’t some set of the right words, or the right cologne with pheromones to try to catch her attention.

The Secret is to be compassionate with your partner.

So I made some changes. To me. And it worked

Less than five months after having this epiphany, I met my current girlfriend of now two-years. And I have never been happier.

Because I show her compassion, even when it means I may not get what I want.

I hope some of what I said has resonated with you.

Maybe you’ve been through a similar experience,or maybe you were on the opposite end of my experience.

Maybe you’re searching for the partner of your dreams, but don’t like the shallow approach so many magazines and articles tout as the solution.

So much suffering is caused by a lack of proper information.

Such a lack greatly influenced me and my partners, though not always in a positive way. Sometimes, that left suffering in its wake.

My mission with this channel is to try to end that suffering, by educating people both with scientific fact, as well as my own experience to serve as an example.

Do I have specific qualifications? No, not yet.

But I want to make sure that nobody else has to suffer because they didn’t know any better.

And I hope you’ll join me.

 

 

If you liked this article, or know somebody that could gain value from it, please press the like button and share on social media. Also, check out my Youtube Channel. And If you have any suggestions or questions for future topics, please sound off in the comments section below.

 

Much Love,

King.

Who is this “King” Anyway? (Part 1)

Good afternoon, fellow Kings and Queens!

Before we go any further in our relationship, I feel it necessary to introduce you a little more to myself, so you get to know who I AM, and don’t just think me just some whackjob typing away at his computer.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am a whackjob typing away at his computer, but I want you to be able to understand WHY I am so.

High School and Early College (AKA: The Pre-Awesome Years)

Believe it or not, I was not always the steaming hunk of sex-nerdiness and love that you see before you today.

I was what some call a bit of a late bloomer.

In high school, I was always interested in girls, and had a few girlfriends with whom I had my first pseudo-sexual experiences (I thank you all for putting up with pubescent me), but was never the most popular guy that had all of the ladies flocking around me.

And to give you an idea of just how NOT of the popular guy I was, here is a picture of me from my freshman year.

Who is this "King" Anyway
Yes. That is me thinking I am cool wearing Abercrombie and Fitch… and a TRILBY!

No. Like many highschoolers, I was curious yet awkward about the intricacies of courtship and the opposite sex (or courting the same sex for some of you). I was in Choir AND Theatre, and was on the JV Swim Team (I’m actually really proud of that one. I won first place in my District one year in the 100yd Butterfly)

But back to Dating!

Eventually, after tip-toeing through four years of high school, I fell head first into the college experience…

Except instead of doing keggers and banging sorority chicks I was the guy on the sidelines awkwardly asking girls to dance and getting politely turned away from.

After realizing that even though I had left high school behind, i was still ME, i got really into studying pickup artists on the internet and youtube. I bought several courses on how to attract and pick up women because I just wanted to improve my level of confidence.

After a while of subscribing to the teachings of certain youtubers that demonstrated how to get a girls phone number in one go, and other various pickup practices, I began to become disillusioned with it all. As I practiced these methods, I began to realize that all of these teachings were merely techniques.

They were shallow strategies used to attract a woman, based on your behavior from the outside-in. They were manipulations meant to play with a girls emotions. and they didn’t even WORK that well.

I didn’t feel good doing all of this. Over time I realized that true happiness; the toolkit to find a partner that will stick by you through thick and thin, or even better: the toolkit to being okay without a partner, had to come from the inside-out.

This required a sense of confidence and self acceptance that the pickup artists on the internet simply cannot replicate or sustain in their viewers.

So I sought out to change that in myself.

 

I will discuss more of that, and more of how despite my best intentions, I don’t really escape this phase of my life for a bit longer. Till then, thank you all for your support thus far. Leave a comment below if you have a topic you want me to cover, and feel free to share this post on Social Media.

 

Much Love,

King

Welcome to Kingly Love

Hello, everybody. My name is Kincaid; my friends call me King for short, and this is Kingly Love. In this series, we are going to discuss SEX. That’s right, I said it. The S-E-X word.  We are going to be discussing this -what I consider not only necessary, but fun- topic from all sides and angles: sex, dating, relationships, being single, the biological and anatomical, social, psychological, ethical, philosophical, spiritual, and more -als if we can think of any. (Ha! More-als! Get it?)

On top of simple how-tos and tips and tricks, and topic-based educational pieces, I’ll also be infusing a little of my own life experience along the way, sharing with you my personal philosophies and worldview as I work to broaden your horizons as well as my own.

To preface, and get it out of the way now, I am not, nor have I ever been or claim to be of material royal lineage (I am about as far removed from the Queen of England as a toothbrush). I do however, that each and every one of us has the potential within them to be the King and Queen of their realm. Of their life. And while there are many things that a King or Queen must be: a fierce leader, a generative creator, a wise-confidant; and we will cover all of those points and more, this series will focus primarily on becoming an expressive and healthy lover. (You know that personal philosophy I mentioned earlier? That’s the tip of the iceberg.)

So come on this journey with me, and together we will explore how much wonderful diversity is really out there, answer some of the tough questions, and learn a little bit about plugging objects into holes.

If you have any topic suggestions, or questions you want answered, leave them down in the comments below, and we can continue to crown ourselves.

Much Love,

King