Why is my Partner Never in the Mood?

Hey there, Kings and Queens!

Recently I was asked by a close friend, whom we have often shared the details of our relationships, a question about the issue of long-term relationships.

Maybe you’ve been there.

He was perplexed how many relationships can be a sexual inferno in the beginning:

You can’t keep your hands off of each other.

You run back to the bedroom every moment you can. Or maybe you can’t even wait for the bedroom.

Just the sight of them makes you weak.

But then after a while, you get into a routine, and it seems like the things that once drove you wild about your partner may not have the same flare they once held.


And you or your partner begin uttering the phrase “Honey, I’m not in the mood tonight.”

Every night.

What happened?!

You still love them, and they still love you! THAT has never changed,but the sexual magnetism has somehow slipped…

The good news is there are a couple of different ways to approach this.

Today, I’m going to discuss a few wildly different methods to help spark that passion in your relationship,

And get your FIRE back!

1. Change the Context

Dr. Emily Nagoski argues that everybody has both an accelerator, and a brake, inside their brains. These dual-control model pretty much runs the show when it comes to your desire for sex. It is simply a matter of turning On the ONs, and turning Off the OFFs. And it IS simple… And it also ISN’T so simple. Each what turns On each persons ONs and Off their OFFs is going to be different based on their life experience, their own biochemistry, and many more factors that can all be summed up into one word: context.

Each person has one or more ideal contexts that will get them in the mood. Likewise, they will also have things like the kids screaming, or an asshole boss, that will create a context that is less optimal for sexy times. The secret, is figuring out what context you are cor your partner are currently in, what context is ideal for romance, then work to create that context.

2. Lack of Polarity

Another approach is based on David Deida and his work concerning the spiritual side of sexual attractioin. He argues that all sexual attraction is based on the polarity between the masculine and feminine energies between you and your partner.There are differing levels of masculine and feminine energy within all of us, and it is not necessarily biosex or orientation exclusive. You can be a biosex male with a lot of masculine energy, a lot of feminine enrgy, a bit of both, or not much of either. Likewise, it does not matter your sexual orientation. You could be a female that enjoys the company of a male, or another female, or both, all, or none. And again, your levels of masculine and/or feminine energy can be a wide range. That does not matter.

What DOES matter, according to Deida, is that there is a polarity between the masculine and feminine of you and your partner. The masculine being everything that is stalwart and stable, never-changing; and the feminine being everything that is allowed to move, and change, and flow. It is the arc that the energy must travel between you to your partner that creates sexual charge, just as a battery only creates a charge with a positive and negative pole, or the earth has a north and south magnetic pole.

If you find your sexual magnetism lacking, reflect for a moment on how perhaps you and your partner once held that polar magnetism, but over time have allowed yourselves to meld, becoming more companionate, and lost that charge. This is great for long-term partnerships, but not always the best for sexual attraction. If you find that this is the case for you, begin to reflect on what in the beginning made you so lustful for your partner, and find ways you can begin to recreate a similar sense of magnetism. Reconnect with your masculinity or femininity in whatever way is conducive to your sexual relationship.

These two approaches vary widely in their understanding and what ground they come from. Nagoski is coming from a psychology and neurology research background, and Deida is speaking on a more energetic and spiritual level.

And while they come from different backgrounds, the advice is more or less the same: reflect on what works, and create that situation for you and your partner.

Neither approach is better than the other, and they both work.

The question is, which one will work best for you?


If you liked this post and think someone you know could benefit from it, go ahead and share on social media. And if you have a topic or question you want answered, leave it down in the comments below.


Much Love,